On my back I have but one sack. What can fit may go, leave everything else behind. Is there anything I need to keep me safe? Is there anything I want to keep me entertained? Or is the road ahead paved with those prizes? I guess that’s the scariest part of all is not knowing what I’ll face.

I am unfamiliar with consciously experiencing my emotions, which feels utterly terrifying when I do. Fear is a powerful force, and when consciously recognized, can be a tremendous energy source for facing the unknown. When it is not consciously understood, the energy of fear can cause one to conjure up some devastating demons.

I’ve come to reconcile a deeper meaning to these four virtues — understanding, forgiveness, grace and compassion. Each, when understood in relationship to the self, to the other and to the all helps me to face adversity rather than run away from it.

Panic attacks became a regular occurrence, and more than often, I was convinced I was dying. This was karmic and necessary for soul and body to evolve. Although I knew this to be true and felt the lightness of Spirit rise from my chest, it didn’t take away the very real, very scary feelings of facing an impending demise.

Freedom in commitment. Freedom in consistency. Maturing the masculine requires self created boundaries. A container, a structure for which the wild woman, the free spirit can thrive. Without clear definition I am lost amongst the swirl of emotional tides.

13 days in Tulum. 13 sacred days of wrestling with my own inner darkness to learn to let go of control. Perhaps the grass isn’t always greener on the traveling side, but at the very least meeting myself in unfamiliar terrain meant coming home to more of me.

I want to belong to my body. That has been my intention for some time. I want to feel safe and whole. I want to be free to express myself without limitation. Without self judgement or criticism. Without worrying whether I am too big or too much or too of anything for the others in the room. I want to live embodied.

I was terribly afraid of the dark and being alone. I feared sleep. I’d fight the urge to relax at any and all chance. The moment I’d start to slip into the unconscious, my nervous system would send a jolt down my spine to wake up. Be alert. It’s not safe to let my guard down.

What makes the decision to travel to Tulum different than the others, is I will be on my own. I find comfort in being lead, less responsibility, less ownership to speaking forth my desires. Not yet realizing how comfortable I was living in hiding.