Befriending Fear
It happened again last night. Waking up to the chilling heat of a full body panic.
Who am I? Where am I? I don’t feel safe.
Here we go again. Thoughts racing, grasping at stories to make sense of the boiling agitation and gripping of nerves coiled tightly around my spine suffocating me from the inside.
Pacing, rhythmic rocking, focusing on breath, tried and true tools for bringing a hyper-nervous nervous system to rest.
This has become my familiar now, brought on by new experiences that I eagerly, anxiously, and excitedly let myself have. Stepping into possibility and away from probability, being authentic amidst the unknown unravels tightly bound stories that I will be happier alone.
But loneliness is but a cycling phase to rediscover that longing feeling for authentic, vulnerable, and real connection.
So I place myself there, in the beating heart of experiencing new people, new places, and new feelings.
See, a life lived disassociated from a physical reality all but promises a journey of intense emotional reintroducing, to where the smallest feeling is felt greatly.
Reintroducing the self to feelings undoubtedly requires a retraining of the nervous system. Although highly sensitive and attuned to subtleties, the denser realities can feel like drowning. But it is here, within the density of living, the beauty of life is revealed. A sense of belonging becomes known and the desire to hide behind stories or even ideologies becomes a faint whisper.
Every new experience bred from excitement is an opportunity to fortify the nervous system. No longer living behind stories of “I am too sensitive to be around people,” I’ve found I truly love, adore, and even seek out human connection!
Although ironically, it is time spent in human interactions that catalyzes these nighttime panic rituals. Why? Because the very thing I crave, authentic human connection, is the very thing I’ve spent my life running away from.
My nervous system only knows what I’ve trained myself to fear and responds accordingly. As night settles me to sleep, behind the scenes my system is at work processing. New people means new feelings and feeling anything triggers alarm. Up I go to pace, to breathe, and to allow myself to integrate a lifetime of suppressed feelings.
I’m learning patience, kindness, and gentle compassion by mothering the nervous tensions of my own inner child. I go at her pace and I give trusting space for her to soothe herself to contentment. This time with myself builds lasting moments of full embodied presence, bringing forward my entire past to heal, revealing my purpose, which is the human purpose, to awaken ourselves as Love.
As night finally took hold of my conscious state, I dreamt of a familiar face. The room was dimly lit and within my friend raged whirlpools of intense emotions. She leapt at me, digging claws of pain into my flesh and biting at the light that I am. I felt calm, serene even, devoid of fear and confusion.
My friend pulled away, fear dripping from her lips and confusion darting from her eyes.
“I see you,” I said, “and I reject what you are not.”
Dancing around me in convulsing waves, I turn to meet her writhing form — blue, demonic, and emotionally exorcised — on all fours mouth foaming. Veins in her throat throbbing, I place a bowl in front of her for an inevitable vomiting.
I kneel and know her pain and tell her I’m sorry.
True to my center and overflowing with compassion, I watch as my friend releases the monsters that haunt her.
Nearby a beautiful being is waiting. Their warm and inviting presence draws me close, and as I wrap my arms tightly around them, I know I have come home.
