Certifications

I used to adorn my worth in certifications, convinced the more I accrued the more of an expert I’d be. The more I studied, the greater my worth would grow and the emptiness of what I was actually trying to fill would subside. Trouble was, it didn’t matter how much I learned, I never felt like I had enough.

This thread of ‘not enoughness’ in my opinion is because I had not fully allowed myself to release. Never fully slowed down long enough to integrate what these certifications were actually teaching me. Concepts were clear but embodiment was foreign. I stopped chasing certifications to define my self-worth when I went through the painful journey of facing my feelings.

Instead of running from my emotions or using them as fuel to get me some external validation, I met emotions not with a new tool, but with an instinctual one. It’s funny because in those moments when I’m breaking down psychologically, when I’m merged with the current of some unprocessed memory, when fear riddles my body and safety is a distant dream, I forget everything I learned in certifications and trainings, and I instinctively know what I need. 

I need time to let these waves course through me. I need space to pace and walk in patterns that only my body knows the way. I need prayer and the soft presence of the unseen ancestors to cradle me in understanding.

Because in times of fear release and panic, the body doesn’t remember theory or adopted beliefs, it remembers its own biological intelligence. 

It’s clear to me that I stopped my hunt of certification hoarding when I discovered somatics. Because I finally landed on the thing my inner child had been guiding me towards. Certifications and accolades, they were mostly for the approval of others. My name written on a piece of paper was me hoping that I’d finally done enough to be worthy of love. But somatics opened me up to myself, it prompted not only a curious awareness into my own self-discovery, it showed me that I had the power all along. I just needed to give my body enough of my time and presence to allow its intelligent process to work itself out. I learned that the longer I stayed with myself, the more easeful I felt. My mind cleared and thoughts slowed, and life became an experience I actually wanted to enjoy. 

I realized through my thirst for certification acquisition, I was fulfilling my curiosity for knowledge. Learning about how things operate fascinates me, finding problems to then figuring out a solution keeps my energy moving. But I was only comfortable circumventing the tip of the iceberg. My edges was where the water met the surface, and I accredit somatics as a primal remembrance tool for reminding me how to swim. Only when I could travel the depths of my own iceberg and become familiar with my inner terrain, did I finally release myself from the grip of unworthiness and the deep crave for needing someone else to love me.

I stopped searching, I stopped spending, I stopped convincing myself that another certification and another teacher’s perspective would fulfill in my what only I could give back to myself. When I returned to me, when I bravely faced the karmic turmoil of generations of release, I filled up with space. I became the person I was searching for. I became the certifications. I became the knowledge. I became the teacher.

I can remember not too long ago, having the conscious thought drop into my head—“I’ve done enough.” That single phrase brought in tidal waves of permission that it was okay for me to stop. I was giving myself permission to rest. That one phrase told me everything I’ve ever wanted to hear since coming into this life, I have done enough. I am enough. I don’t need more knowledge to know that I am worthy of this life and this timeline. I don’t require others to perceive me in such and such way. I don’t need to become an expert of anything; this body I was given, the lineage I was born into, the human family that I am a part of, the earth that I walk upon, those are my teachers, my teachings, and my service. 

I’ll end it here for now, the axiom that comes and goes but never leaves, applicable to all peoples and all timelines until further notice—“know thyself.” Reveal yourself back to yourself, become consciousness knowing itself, and purpose is known. All why’s become obsolete, and life becomes simply what it is.