I used to adorn my worth in certifications, convinced the more I accrued the more of an expert I’d be. The more I studied, the greater my worth would grow and the emptiness of what I was actually trying to fill would subside. Trouble was, it didn’t matter how much I learned, I never felt like I had enough.

You cannot heal through your thinking. To heal at the matrix level means to get to the root causation of all forms of ailments. Which is of course, where the root of all of our dreams and aspirations live too. 

The last words Master Brian spoke hit me square in the chest; “share from the authority of your own healing experience.” I’ve been wrestling with this notion of being an authority of healing. I had yet to accept that what I have experienced gives me authority to impart healing for the intent of helping others.

In the story I had written for myself, the selfless martyr always painted as priority. I am not an I but rather I belonged to other. I belonged to the service of healing, whatever was asked of me I did so perfectly. Wrapped my pride around the finger of meeting everyone else’s expectations, and never once established an expectation for myself.

The pivotal point in all of human evolution where one stops dead in ones tracks, seemingly lost and confused, unsure of which way to turn, lays down their past and listens. The path that leads us deeper into our own version of suffering to show us how to build the ladder that we ourselves must get ourselves out of.

My entire system feels like it’s on the brink of collapse, and my normal coping strategy (leaving my body) is the very strategy I am cognizant I am healing. The only way out, is through.

Healing trauma wounds requires a resource. A source much greater than the trauma itself, and yet a force able to pull back the layers with appropriate tenderness and grace. So what is it for me? What comes rushing in as I gasp breathlessly in the clutches of emotional intensity?

I am terrified of the Light, I feel what it does to me; shaking loose everything I have ever cherished, every dream I ever built, even those that remained as castles in the sky, thought does not serve a purpose here. I am just the vessel, I guess that’s what I’ve signed on to be, a body that transforms human suffering.

I am unfamiliar with consciously experiencing my emotions, which feels utterly terrifying when I do. Fear is a powerful force, and when consciously recognized, can be a tremendous energy source for facing the unknown. When it is not consciously understood, the energy of fear can cause one to conjure up some devastating demons.