Fear Gave Me Purpose
I am unfamiliar with consciously experiencing my emotions, which feels utterly terrifying when I do. By studying the pattern of my experiences, I have come to understand that that for which is unknown to me, coupled with the inner urge to explore it, rises this dreadful feeling of fear. Fear is a powerful force, and when consciously recognized, can be a tremendous energy source for facing the unknown. When it is not consciously understood, the energy of fear can cause one to conjure up some devastating demons.
The human brain creates stories, that is what it has evolved to do; we are creators of meaning. As such, fear — when experienced through the developing, and often vividly imaginative mind of a child — has the potential to root us into baseline beliefs that hinder growth and stunt spontaneity, two core qualities that are at the very heart of experiencing joy.
What it boils down to is remembering feelings at their essence, knowing them as sensations experienced in the body, and co-creating with them a life where core values are understood and actualized.
As a child, I remember feelings as painful sensations; knives stabbing tender places repeatedly. I recall refusing to wear certain articles of clothing because of how and where it touched on my sensitive body. Feelings hurt me, and that is the belief I carried forward through my developing years. I thus learned to adapt to life in other ways, primarily through the engagement of intellectual pursuits, obsessive people pleasing, and by meticulously observing human behavior. My nervous system became so entrained to watching other people for signs of negative feelings that I built a powerful belief muscle that said, what I see is truth for me. I constructed many stories around the idea that human attractiveness, tangible achievements, status and the like are what determines a person’s worthiness. Society also fed, nurtured, and reinforced these beliefs. It just goes to show how interconnected we all really are.
There is something to be said then about the intimate influence of our environment. Even more is the recognition that the place in my own stunted development mirrors comparatively to the socio-economic behavior of my time, which is what it is today because of the psychological states of those that fed and continue to feed into it. So I could place blame, point a finger at the world for making me this way; I could resent my mother and her extreme emotional outbursts or my father and his stoic unavailability; I could even spew hatred for the whole history of humanity for its unjust and inhumane actions towards its own kind; I could continue to travel down the rabbit hole of why's, losing myself further to my stories and perspectives, convincing myself that it’s not me it’s them. But what kind of life have I been creating with those beliefs?
By living under the umbrella of I am right, you are wrong, I further perpetuate the idea that if only the rain would stop then I could let down this shade and be happy. There it is. Therein lies the critical turning point, the belief I’ve carried forward since the time I wholeheartedly believed that feelings are bad, and the coping strategies that I’ve adopted to seek out safety. How this singular belief has branched into multiple manifestations of adaptation techniques, and how the story I’ve created that others are to blame is in fact the voice of my stories mirroring some unresolved pain back to me.
Because I didn’t have the capacity as a child to process and regulate negative emotions, I created the narrative that I can’t be happy unless others are happy. The slightest change in another’s expression, the subtlest shift in moods and my nervous system would communicate danger. I’d run for the hills, cut all ties and move on to the next relationship or seek out the next novel experience. I only felt safe facing the surface of people, even though something in me yearned for depth. But beliefs are powerful, and I believed everyone else was the problem.
I began belief work in 2017, unbeknownst to me that that was what I was doing. Because I had become skilled at observing the behavior in others, I turned the lens inward and began the process of understanding my own. I could trace patterns and notice that it wasn’t other people’s actions and reactions that were causing me to disconnect and sulk, it was my own unrecognized wants and desires begging to be heard and actualized. See I wanted connection and love and acknowledgement, but I wasn’t getting it from my current operating system. My beliefs had become too rigidly set and I was experiencing life with maybe 2 coloring crayons out of the box. The truths I built around myself to keep me safe were the very same walls that were keeping me imprisoned. Overtime those towers of thought became reinforced with concrete and steel bars, covered in poison oak and vines that strangled all chances of growing life. So the process of chiseling away at these powerful thought forms takes time; it takes patience and a determination to reach the heart of some known, yet forgotten eternal Truth. A Truth that can withstand all trials and tribulations, that is not so easily shaken by hurt feelings. At the core of me the quality brimming to be awakened was Grace.
Stingrays embody this quality of grace. They teach us connection without interference. The pace of moving with the tides rather than against it. They sense the greater world around them and align themselves to navigate in-sync with it. Not only aware of themselves and their own kind, they sense everything and move as one.
At the core of our being is this Oneness, this effortless migratory pattern with life. What interferes with our experiencing it is our human capacity to create stories, to name and derive meaning from things. We are not intrinsically wrong, nor are we superior for doing so. Our human ability to bring consciousness into the light of a universal understanding unlocks the force of life to move us into greater ease, alignment, and peace with ourselves, our relationships, our communities, the world and beyond.
We not need be stuck and disempowered by the belief that others/the world must change for us to. The power is already within, it sits vibrating, patiently active behind our castles built in the sky. It stirs longingly from some familiar yet far off space deep within us. What we call fear, it calls energy source. That which fears us ultimately frees us. It’s your turn to act. What core quality are you here to awaken?
