Tulum Pt. 2 - Survival Mode

New beginning are never what you’d expect. How can you truly know what’s to come without experiencing it first?

Already two days in Tulum and I am learning that lesson hard. Life unfolds as it does, it is not my job to control it. See, by believing I could control the world, I made it so I could feel safe. The unknown terrified me as a young child. I was terribly afraid of the dark and being alone. I feared sleep. I’d fight the urge to relax at any and all chance. The moment I’d start to slip into the unconscious, my nervous system would send a jolt down my spine to wake up. Be alert. It’s not safe to let my guard down.

As an adult, experimenting with various mindfulness practices, I’ve come to understand the mind/body connection. The thoughts I crafted as a child about the world not being safe fed my beliefs and entrained my nervous system in a flight response. Instead of enjoying a childhood, I was too busy trying to anticipate the next hurdle. The slightest disturbance to my system from an unpredictable world set off alarm bells and I’d disassociate. Leave my body. It was easier and life was more manageable if I didn’t have to go through life feeling endlessly triggered.

Here in Tulum I am triggered. The shadow self is rising and the work of release begins. New place, I have no story already written. I’m used to knowing before I know. I chose to travel on my own and facing myself in a new world stirs the deep desire to disassociate and return to the familiar. At night I fear the dark, the inner child cries out not to turn out the light, not to fall asleep. A panicked heat swells underneath my skin, death is coming for me, I know it is.

But the thing with knowing is that you never truly know. One new experience sends out neurons to create a new neurological pathway and the old way of knowing begins to fade. The practice is of consciously choosing the new way when the old, familiar way is rearing its head.

What works for me when panic strikes, when my nervous system goes into overdrive and when thoughts of worry fill my head is counting breath. Breathe in for 4 breathe out for 4 and repeat. Reminding myself that nothing else matters but maintaining a rhythmic breathing pattern. Rhythm is the key. I then notice where in my body I feel sensation and I invite curiosity towards feeling it. I don’t put words or a label to it, all that does is stir the worry monster. I notice the feeling and become interested in its short life within me. As I bring awareness and curiosity to experiencing the feeling, whatever feeling it may be, something magical happens. My system softens and relaxes. Waves of calm traverse my inner landscape.

It’s the trained mind that stirs the nervous system pot. Thoughts feed into a loop of thoughts and the cycle feels endless. Worry feels endless, panic attacks feel like they will never stop. Survival mode must be broken. Breaking the cycle means bringing awareness to the body. Truth lives in the feelings and so much wisdom can be gained from those feelings that were once cast aside.

I choose to experience a thriving life, and the way for me to do so is to move oppressed/ repressed energy through my body. To be IN BODY when the flight response tells my nervous system to get the F out of it. It takes practice and a whole lot of grace. Gratitude for this experience as I now have new understanding for unfolding the wholeness of me.